Love
I'm gonna be honest with you, internet. February has sucked.
And I mean sucked. hard.
And I mean sucked. hard.
In the past 2 weeks, I have packed my life, given away my beloved dog, left my work comfort zone, moved away from the south and my family, into a brownstone in a mid-west city.
Alone.
Before I moved here, I joked that when I told people I was moving to Missouri, they inevitably asked..."Why? Do you know someone there?"
My answer was, of course, yes I do. But not that's not why I'm moving. Seriously, I don't know why I moved. I couldn't tell you.
But I know whatever the motive, it has been a hard move. I have cried almost my entire time here. And I realized something last week...gripping and hurtful.
I don't accept love. I try to earn it. And I don't know how to love others.
And it feels like my insides are being ripped out. Honestly.
For almost 2 years, I have been trying to make someone love me who doesn't value me enough to meet me in person.
And it's not just him.
Before him, it was him.
And before him, it was him.
And before him, it was them.
And in the middle of all the hims and them, there is God.
I've been trying to make Him love me too. But I honestly don't believe He does either.
Not any more than the hims or them.
I am tired. Tired and overwhelmed with it all. So I am giving up.
There is something broken in me. Least of all, my heart. It needs to be fixed.
But I don't know where to start.
I guess I start here.
A couple of days ago, I was at work chatting on instant messenger with a co-worker guy I've never talked to. He sent me a message asking about my "boycotting Valentine's Day" icon and we joked about the holiday. He said his day was great due to easy mac and a chocolate snack pack for lunch. I laughed and told him there aren't many things in life that can't be fixed by chocolate pudding.
When I arrived at my desk yesterday, I found a Valentine's card and a chocolate snack pack he had "delivered" from Chicago.
Amazingly sweet. from someone I don't even know.
I left work and went to the Lee's for dinner, which has become routine. I walked in and noticed the most beautiful flowers on the table. Sterling silver roses. My favorite. I thought they were Lyra's.
They were mine.
Amazingly sweet. from people who know me. but love me anyway.
At least, they say they do. And right now, I am choosing to believe them.
posted by Mandy at
10:08 PM
11 Comments:
YES, we love you, Mandy! And you better believe it! Sleep good tonight. Love you!
Wow - can I tell you that 13 years ago I was you? I had just left my home and my family and what few friends I had behind to move to Cincinnati, Ohio where I had 1 friend and no job. The job took care of itself rather quickly, but the search for love sounds so much like what you are going through. I wanted everyone to like/love me and I didn't bother to make sure they were worthy of my love, just handed it out and begged them to love me back. As you might guess this ended with my heart being crushed over and over and over.
I wish I could tell you I had overcome this but in reality I just finally met a guy who didn't break my heart (at least not right away) and he didn't walk away after every fight saying it was over. He stuck around and loved me. Both of us say to the other sometimes "why do you love me" still, the insecurity never goes away for me. But I've been with him 10 years now and I love him more than life. (Even though right now he should be in the dog house for being such a pecker head)
I'm sure you'll get settled into your new home, spring is coming and you can enjoy watching the city come alive, you will make more friends, you may meet "the guy", there are lots of reasons to be hopeful - you have your whole life ahead of you and there are some fantastic experiences coming down that road! :)
Oh, Mandy. You know as well as I do that it all starts with loving yourself. You don't believe you're worthy of love- that's why you try to earn it, and you don't love yourself, which is why you don't know how to love others.
With what I've been going through in my life, I've had the sweet torture of getting big time help from friends. Big time and attention, and even ~horrors of horrors~ some money. It's all I can do not to throw myself into repaying, repaying, repaying. My skin crawls when I think about their sacrifice and how uneven the score is right now, and will they stop loving me because I needed them? They are making the choice to help me, unsolicited, but when will they resent it? Resent me? Judge me? Eventually hate me? I would do everything for them that they do for me if they needed it, if I were capable, because I love them and don't want them hurting and suffering.
But somehow in my mind, I am a lesser person, and their help and love comes with a price to be paid. Which couldn't be more horribly insulting to them, and the purity of their love and generosity.
We are worthy. You are, and I am. Someday, we'll truly realize that in the core of our beings. Until then, we just have to remind ourselves that we aren't fooling anyone- the people who love us know us intimately, and shocker! they love us MORE for that knowledge. Also, we can love ourselves, despite our needs and our flaws, which means that we can love them the same way.
We can, and we will, and it starts from knowing that something is broken, and caring enough to glue the pieces back together.
I'm so sorry it has been so hard. I can't wait to hug your neck tomorrow at Emily's. And we will plan that Starbucks run!
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The reason I gained so much weight in the first place and the reason I had such a sorry history of abusive relationship with men was I just needed approval so much. I needed everyone to like me, because I didn't like myself much. So I'd end up with these cruel self-absorbed guys who'd tell me how selfish I was, and I'd say "Oh thank you, you're so right" and be grateful to them. Because I had no sense that I deserved anything else. Which is why I gained so much weight later on. It was the perfect way of cushioning myself against the world's disapproval.
I love you and I understand exactly what you are going through. With my move to Hawaii, it was very hard. I am a world away from everyone and everything that I know. Take time to be with yourself and enjoy it. Now is the time in your life to meet new friends, do new things, find a new church, and fellowship with new people. God does love you and I love you as well!
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Mandy,
Let us get together soon!!! My hubby will be back tomorrow, and I can walk around a little now. So hopefully, we can meet for Starbucks!! I am excited you are here!
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