I'm gonna be honest with you, internet. February has sucked.
And I mean sucked. hard.
In the past 2 weeks, I have packed my life, given away my beloved dog, left my work comfort zone, moved away from the south and my family, into a brownstone in a mid-west city.
Before I moved here, I joked that when I told people I was moving to Missouri, they inevitably asked..."Why? Do you know someone there?"
My answer was, of course, yes I do. But not that's not why I'm moving. Seriously, I don't know why I moved. I couldn't tell you.
But I know whatever the motive, it has been a hard move. I have cried almost my entire time here. And I realized something last week...gripping and hurtful.
I don't accept love. I try to earn it. And I don't know how to love others.
And it feels like my insides are being ripped out. Honestly.
For almost 2 years, I have been trying to make someone love me who doesn't value me enough to meet me in person.
And it's not just him.
Before him, it was him.
And before him, it was him.
And before him, it was them.
And in the middle of all the hims and them, there is God.
I've been trying to make Him love me too. But I honestly don't believe He does either.
Not any more than the hims or them.
I am tired. Tired and overwhelmed with it all. So I am giving up.
There is something broken in me. Least of all, my heart. It needs to be fixed.
But I don't know where to start.
I guess I start here.
A couple of days ago, I was at work chatting on instant messenger with a co-worker guy I've never talked to. He sent me a message asking about my "boycotting Valentine's Day" icon and we joked about the holiday. He said his day was great due to easy mac and a chocolate snack pack for lunch. I laughed and told him there aren't many things in life that can't be fixed by chocolate pudding.
When I arrived at my desk yesterday, I found a Valentine's card and a chocolate snack pack he had "delivered" from Chicago.
Amazingly sweet. from someone I don't even know.
I left work and went to the Lee's for dinner, which has become routine. I walked in and noticed the most beautiful flowers on the table. Sterling silver roses. My favorite. I thought they were Lyra's.
They were mine.
Amazingly sweet. from people who know me. but love me anyway.
At least, they say they do. And right now, I am choosing to believe them.