"I'm good enough; I'm smart enough; And doggone it, people like me!"
I am having an identity crisis. OK, that is a slightly dramatic statement. Not really a crisis, per se.
I never considered myself extremely emotional. I can be, but as a general rule, I don't find that my feelings are hurt all the time nor do I get so bothered by things, that I think and fret about them for days on end. Until recently.
I don't know what has happened, but for the past few weeks, I have been over-analyzing everything. It has been brought on by the craziest stuff. Everything from friends' comments and response times to emails or phone calls, to looks from my students and the tone of voice my Dad used.
I have a running dialogue in my head that goes something like this...
Me2: You suck.
Me: No, I don't.
Me2: You are so not smart.
Me: Yes, I am. I have a genius IQ!
Me2: You are not intelligent where it counts. You're certainly not well-versed in theology.
Me: well, um...kinda, I am.
Me2: You have nothing to contribute. They don't like you.
Me: People do SO like me! And everyone doesn't have to like me! I have lots of friends! Let me list them...
Me2: They only tolerate you. They don't love you. Why else do they not call or write?
Me: They're busy! They have families and things to do.
Me2: Face it Mandy. You're not worth the effort.
Me: well, I, um...
Me2: Why else are you 31 and single? You have NEVER even had a relationship! You're almost 32! No one has ever chosen you and they won't. You are not worth it.
Me: God is in control of that and He is good! And even if no one ever "chooses" me, He did!
Me2: Everyone leaves you Mandy. Sooner or later, they all leave. What makes you so sure God won't too?
Me: He won't
Me2: He might
Me: He won't
Me2: He could
Me: He won't
Me2: What if you're wrong?
Me: (crying)
Me2: Be honest, but only to yourself. Tell people what they want to hear. If you tell the truth, they won't think you're a believer. Maybe you're not.
Me: Oh yes, I AM!
Me2: You're mental. People are really gonna know after they read this.
Me: I don't care. Shut up.
~ and so the drama and name-calling ensues in my head...
The issue is, for those of us who are believers and claim kinship with our Lord Jesus, we are in a perpetual state of paradox. I am a saint AND a sinner. I am accepted and loved by God, yet I did/do nothing to deserve it. I am free but choose to live in bondage. I am given love but don't know how to receive it. I long for community and fellowship, but I'm alone and selfish. I am being sanctified but I'm a trainwreck.
How do we wrap our heads around that? It is an amazingly difficult concept that has been the theme of my life lately. Who am I, really? The voices in my head are varied. Sometimes, it is my voice of reason and logic. Sometimes, it is my voice of experience. Sometimes, it's Satan or the world.
But I pray, the voice I listen and respond to, is the voice of my precious savior. His voice tells me what is true and real. He says, I chose you before the foundation of the world. He says, I love you with an everlasting love. He says, I provide all you need. He says, I created you in My image. I give you love and friendship and allow you to glorify Me by demonstrating that to others. He says, you are worth every effort, every pain, even death.
So today I choose to listen to His voice, to hear Him speak softly again and to drown out the chaos that plagues me. He has such amazing and beautiful things to say.
I never considered myself extremely emotional. I can be, but as a general rule, I don't find that my feelings are hurt all the time nor do I get so bothered by things, that I think and fret about them for days on end. Until recently.
I don't know what has happened, but for the past few weeks, I have been over-analyzing everything. It has been brought on by the craziest stuff. Everything from friends' comments and response times to emails or phone calls, to looks from my students and the tone of voice my Dad used.
I have a running dialogue in my head that goes something like this...
Me2: You suck.
Me: No, I don't.
Me2: You are so not smart.
Me: Yes, I am. I have a genius IQ!
Me2: You are not intelligent where it counts. You're certainly not well-versed in theology.
Me: well, um...kinda, I am.
Me2: You have nothing to contribute. They don't like you.
Me: People do SO like me! And everyone doesn't have to like me! I have lots of friends! Let me list them...
Me2: They only tolerate you. They don't love you. Why else do they not call or write?
Me: They're busy! They have families and things to do.
Me2: Face it Mandy. You're not worth the effort.
Me: well, I, um...
Me2: Why else are you 31 and single? You have NEVER even had a relationship! You're almost 32! No one has ever chosen you and they won't. You are not worth it.
Me: God is in control of that and He is good! And even if no one ever "chooses" me, He did!
Me2: Everyone leaves you Mandy. Sooner or later, they all leave. What makes you so sure God won't too?
Me: He won't
Me2: He might
Me: He won't
Me2: He could
Me: He won't
Me2: What if you're wrong?
Me: (crying)
Me2: Be honest, but only to yourself. Tell people what they want to hear. If you tell the truth, they won't think you're a believer. Maybe you're not.
Me: Oh yes, I AM!
Me2: You're mental. People are really gonna know after they read this.
Me: I don't care. Shut up.
~ and so the drama and name-calling ensues in my head...
The issue is, for those of us who are believers and claim kinship with our Lord Jesus, we are in a perpetual state of paradox. I am a saint AND a sinner. I am accepted and loved by God, yet I did/do nothing to deserve it. I am free but choose to live in bondage. I am given love but don't know how to receive it. I long for community and fellowship, but I'm alone and selfish. I am being sanctified but I'm a trainwreck.
How do we wrap our heads around that? It is an amazingly difficult concept that has been the theme of my life lately. Who am I, really? The voices in my head are varied. Sometimes, it is my voice of reason and logic. Sometimes, it is my voice of experience. Sometimes, it's Satan or the world.
But I pray, the voice I listen and respond to, is the voice of my precious savior. His voice tells me what is true and real. He says, I chose you before the foundation of the world. He says, I love you with an everlasting love. He says, I provide all you need. He says, I created you in My image. I give you love and friendship and allow you to glorify Me by demonstrating that to others. He says, you are worth every effort, every pain, even death.
So today I choose to listen to His voice, to hear Him speak softly again and to drown out the chaos that plagues me. He has such amazing and beautiful things to say.
posted by Mandy at
9:05 AM
5 Comments:
Mandy,
It's so neat to read this after our conversations over the past few days about our insecurities. You summed this up BEAUTIFULLY. This is why I love reading what you write b/c you are so real. I LOVED the "conversation" among your "two selves" and can so relate to this. Isn't it beautiful how our Savior will just not let us go. Yes, we have all of these doubts and over-analyze, but His voice is ALWAYS there to remind us that we are His eternally, regardless of the lies we entertain in our minds. Keep writing! I love it. Oh, and the title..........just awesome! We're gonna have to watch some SNL while you're here. The good stuff, not the SNL of today. Love you!!!! You are a precious friend and we are so blessed by you.
Mandy,
"Well done good and faithful Servant" I totally loved that post, it's almost like the same conversation I have with myself, and the Lord and Satan. Few things changed around and that could be me too! I have been even wondering what is even real lateley? You know the scripture verses. I am not going to say any to you. Just know that I am thrilled I have a new Sister in Christ, and am here right with ya, and will be praying for you. I totally identify with Martin Luther, yelling at Satan, and Peter denying Christ and then being to thrilled other times, so I see this in my own life. Thank you for sharing I am looking forward to meeting you in the Flesh! I hope you like me too, warts and all. Love, Beth
You girls are precious. Looking forward to seeing you soon! love you!
Hello, I too am schizophrenic.
You are not alone--as Lyra and Beth have said, we ALL have this running dialogue in our heads, and it sucks.
And though there is nothing good in you apart from Christ, God loves you unconditionally because in you He sees His Son.
You're so right Nikki. We are all in the same boat of "multiple personalities" it seems. And yes, isn't it amazing that God sees Christ, His own image, in us?
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